Summer Round Up: The Dehydration Edition.I


Some parties promised us Hydration, but only gave us barely treated water!  Others promised that we would Sea Queens and be total beach bums and in this regard they did not fail! However, Sin City made Hell look like a destination of choice for all of eight hours!

Now in this article we will not speak much about Sea Queens, for the simple reason that the Loft Boys have a formula that work. They, more than any other marquee, know their crowd and do the requisite research on their environments as such they can deliver high energy, CUP-CAKE fabulous events at the drop of a hat! Furthermore whilst they have a relatively large and (more important) loyal following they have a knack of LISTENING TO THEIR CONSTITUENTS. Consequently, they deliver products that their followers want at a price point that is competitive.


We humbly submit to the Dash Boyz that they should remember the old adage that FOOLS SPEED AHEAD, for this party was a near crash landing.  Infact if it wasn’t for the late patronage of the Cup Cake Crew and an extremely efficient and above average decor and marketing, the event would have been a disappointment to say the least.

In the first instance, It boggles the mind why a group of Community Males throwing a party where the target audience is other Community Males would seek to charge fully 33.33% more for a penis to be present than a vagina.  We ask, if the event was 100% supported by females and only females, then would that not indicate that the Hydration Business Model can sustain a 33% revenue hit and still be profitable? If so why are the men being buggered out of their money worse doing a recession? Indeed if anyone was desperate to feel what sex without lubricant feels like this was an exceptionally painful example!

The official line communicated to the Report is that the rationale for the pricing policy was to encourage female attendance as females were complaining about lack of entertainment options. We would like to ask the Dash Boyz how did that work out for them, were the females that encouraged to attend? We counted one, if there were more we apologize in advance!

To be fair to the Crash Boyz we cannot blame them for the Lyme that occurred for the majority of the event. The simple truth is that the danger of having a party that targets UPT personalities is:- a Lyme is always on the cards. The simple rationale for this is that no UPT personality is willing to put themselves out there and dance for fear of losing social standing. In fact, the mere threat of De-UPTfication by the Bureau of Standards enforces conformity and sheep like behaviour among this group. As a consequence dance floors will remain empty and verandah chatter will compete with the DJs for air time, until the Vybez machines of the community, shows up.

However, where the team should accept full responsibility is on the matter of horrible sound engineering. It is easy to blame the acoustics problem on the fact that the event was been held in a warehouse, except that the world over abandoned warehouses are valued for housing club like events precisely because of the acoustics and the costs. Worse this is not the first time that this group has hosted an event at the location so they can neither use the ignorance nor virginity defense. Rather it is abundantly clear that not enough time was spent understanding the source of the sound quality problems and ensuring that resources are strategically placed to fix and eliminate same. In this regard, we here at Pink urge the Managers of this Marquee to remember their roots within the former Circle Brand. That Brand is dear to us not only because as far as we are concerned they invented the Local LGBT Halloween but because there was innovation and an eye for detail.

On the matter of the Vybez Machines, the promoters of Hydration should thank the Management of the Loft for closing their doors on the night of the party. If it wasn’t for this single act the Cup-Cake Crew members that did show up at the event would have possibly foregone it for the Loft based on the traffic in the YardieBoyz Group on that night. Notably all persons we interviewed indicated that the Party was in danger of being “ONE BIG EXPENSIVE OLE LYME Till Di chile Dem turn UP and by the TIME the CHILE DEM TURN UP and the PARTY A GWAN a TIME FI COME Go HOME.”

The Decor

One must always give the devil its due and the reports that we got was that much thought went into the decor with particular praise heaped on the Bar area. It has been a running problem with many Community promoters in that they almost undervalue and devalue the importance of the Bar area. From a purely financial process the Bar is the second source of income for an unsponsored party after the initial gate receipt. This is part of the reason that air conditioning and cooling systems should not be so efficient such that patrons never sweat and thus get thirsty and also why promoters should start handing out copious amount of salted foods such as chips to promote bar patronage. However, most importantly the Bar should not be a well kept secret and be adequately staffed to ensure swift turn around times and customer satisfaction. The reports to us was that the Bar was efficient and eye catching. However, it was difficult to determine whether the efficiency was a direct result of slow or low patronage or genuinely high customer service standards.

Our Man at the party noted that whilst the decor was good (he was particularly impressed by the HYDRATION word art) and memorable he wanted to know where was the water. Was it upstairs or hidden behind the scenes but why after promising it in the promotion it was so absent in the execution. Whilst we are generally supportive of delivering on promises we argue that sometimes Good Sense must Prevail. As water, fashionable shoes and concrete could lead to a very serious situation.

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